On Marriage

Someone told me to write about Marriage. But, I did more – I told the king of humor C. Suresh to write about being single. One cannot talk about pros and cons of marriage unless they also know pros and cons of a single life. He gave me a sassy post called Singled Out which also received a rather warm response on facebook.     

Then, I embarked upon writing introspective post on marriage. To be honest it was difficult because being a professional you tend to look at tangible and intangible benefits of this alliance and  the first question that arose in my mind was,

What did I get after being cajoled into getting married?  Mind you it was my mom who said – “He is a decent lad.”

“That ‘is’ the problem,” I’d responded in a casual tone then.  One ought to know themselves before looking out for partner and those who know me know me and decency live far apart.

What is the issue if he is a decent guy, you ask. Then my dear friend you ought to learn a few more things in life before you seriously consider getting hitched and if there anything that you shouldn’t worry about then it is – getting married.

 The family system in India ensures that you will get married at an “appropriate” time.  The family finds you a match equivalent to your social, financial, and educational status.  There are many uncles and aunts who will also help your parents to find one.  The technology is also not behind, these days they offer community based matrimonial services.   Did I forget to mention horoscope – If at all your family believes in it be ready to wear rings of different stones, fasts on particular days etc. But in the end you should not worry. You will be married before you blink an eyelid.  If you fall in love, well, that is another matter entirely. It also demands an altogether separate post.

 So, I considered my options before saying, 'Yes' to the decent lad whom I’d technically dated for six months or so.  But Mom made it easier, she said –

“You get married to this decent fellow or I will kick you out,” the threat did the trick. Also staying alone – monetarily didn’t seem feasible. You see, if I can stay with someone who can pay rent or even share it is better, plus I prefer to live in people’s company.

Yes, I could have found bachelors to stay with and move out of my safety net. The idea never enticed me. Considering the kind of person I am – I would have always wanted to get married.

After my consent, it didn’t take long for my home to become a set, straight out of a Suraj Barjatya movie.  Lunch and dinner invites to and by various relatives.  Shopping, shopping and more shopping.  I am rather surprised that I didn't choke  to death with all the food that was stuffed in my mouth  or that I didn’t get heart attack after seeing the credit card bill.

I still have that facebook status in ‘memories’ which says – Credit card bill arrived in mail and I didn’t die.

Alas! My mom got rid of me successfully. Otherwise I could never explain her resolve to get me married and specifically to this guy. From the day I got married this decent guy my life has gone for a toss. He would say-

“Let’s go east.”

I would reply,

“I like west.”

By the time we are done arguing about east and west and I finally give in to go east he would have  already tread down South.

We never had any consensus on even matters as remote to our marriage as who should be the Prime Minister of India or whether Dhoni should resign from captaincy. So just imagine the amount of disagreement upon which house to buy or which car model to buy. It was outrageous for someone like me who lived life at my own terms before marriage.

If there is anything we like to do together then it is to stay at home on a holiday. Again while he has a to-do list with him, I might just watch TV or sleep through the day.

In past four years I have not been able to track test matches, new movie releases or travel for leisure. Life is constantly about bills, EMI, social engagements and changing priorities.  

Talk about getting married to a ‘decent’ guy.

But, it has its moments. Like, when on a busy day a fruit magically comes out of the bag and I recall that I didn't even have the time to pack it.  He always calls up to check if I reached office, regardless of the numerous arguments we had in the morning.  Doesn’t blink an eye when I say I am meeting an old friend who is a guy. If you want to say this isn’t anything great then my friend I reiterate you ought to learn more about life and ways of world.

Yes, with marriage life does become limited.  I can’t just get up and go off on a wild safari and sometimes I have a difficult time accepting that kind of a limitation. But these are trade offs I’ve made to be with someone who accepts that I will seldom put up a Bindi or wear a Bangle. Or that I don’t  believe in Idol worship. Or that to some extent I am still a tomboy.  Above all it’s nice to wait for him to have dinner together even if he is a vegetarian and I might like to have chicken or fish every alternate day.

At the end of the day the alliance doesn’t work single handedly.  Swords are drawn at minor topics like if our country is losing is its secular fabric but only after calling truce can one find peace and resolve to tackle such topics.

Marriage is a gamble – play at your own risk.

Guest Post - Singled out

C.Suresh

About the Author:

Fiction has been an addiction but the need to make a living took Suresh through Chemical Engineering and a PGDM at IIM-Bangalore and, from thence, to a long 16 year stint in the area of finance with specific expertise in fertilizer subsidies at IFFCO and a further two years as consulting expert in the same area. That, in his words, about sums up the boring part of his life, except for the people he was privileged to meet

Otherwise, he can be described as a mess of contradictions – a bookworm but avid trekker; alone but never lonely; enjoys solitude but loves company; lazy but a perfectionist, the litany is endless.

He has  also written a satire - A dog eat dogfood world - A hilarious pseudo-history of marketing management, which explicitly denies resemblance to any actual history, and which will be horrified if some semblance be found.

Note: Blogger requested him to write his experience on leading a bachelor life. Here his take on the same. 

Singled out

"Marriage – A process of finding out what sort of person your spouse would have preferred to marry”

It is not merely because I disliked learning that I stayed single. True, I am allergic to learning, especially about myself, since most of what I learn about myself is SO uncomplimentary. Still, it was not that at all.

To cut the long story short, it was my aversion to WORK that decided me on remaining single. Narayana Murthy’s son can choose to marry, even if he decided to be idle all his life. Me – I started off with zilch in inheritances and, thus, all that I spend had to be earned myself. Even in these gender-equal days, there is not much welcome for a husband who plans to live off your earnings. THAT part of gender inequality still remains, unfortunately. (Fortunately, actually. In my times, it certainly existed and I’d hardly be happy seeing a young kid of today happily living the life that I would have preferred to live.)

Deciding is all fine but to stick to it in the face of pressure from everyone who feels they have the right (which, effectively, means everyone who can match your face to your name – or, at least, find someone who can do it for them), that’s the difficulty. As I have indicated elsewhere in my personal rants, I had a neat little formula for it – especially since most of them would start with “What sort of a girl would you like to marry? We will find her for you” in a typical display of how optimism can overwhelm common-sense (and even eye-sight? Yeah – that, too). For that query I had a ready-made reply. “I want a beautiful, intelligent, talented, well-educated and rich girl. If she is all this and will marry me then she cannot be intelligent. Then how can I marry her?” With that one neat piece of logic I fended off all attempts to find me a spouse. There is certainly one girl in the world who has reason to be very grateful to me for saving her that fate worse than death – being married to me!

There are a lot of people who claim to envy me. The point, though, is that they never have walked in my shoes. Ever had a foot sprained and hopped all around the house to get a glass of water, make a cup of tea or even visit the loo? Had a right hand broken and find yourself having to do everything with the left hand all day – day after day? No? Well – I have had very helpful cousins, who made things easy for me, but still…they could not exactly stay around me all day, could they? AND I am too shrinking a violet to plonk myself in someone else’s house till they start supplying me with flight schedules and train timetables for reading material.

Forget the big issues. You start off life thinking how you can be single and continue to enjoy life the way you did in your youth. Then, one by one your friends get married. You call on them to go to a movie, they need to attend the PTA at their child’s school. You want to make whoopee one night, they are off to their in-laws’ place for a wedding. You plan a trip to the hill station and they are already there with their family. You, regretfully, decide to find friends among the younger lot and they call you ‘uncle’ and run off with their gang.

The point is that, if you think being single is going to keep you happy in the same way as it has always been, then you are in for a rude awakening. AND, if you are the sort to think in melodramatic terms like ‘always an outsider, shivering in the cold, looking in on warm and happy families without a hope of being a part of one’ and all that, you will start feeling lonely in additional to being alone.

It is not everyone who can be happy being single. Being married has its pros and cons, so does being single. Life is fun in any state as long as you can shrug away the cons and concentrate on the pros. Unfortunately, though, humanity seems geared to concentrate on the cons and disdain the pros. If that is how you are geared, it is best you get married. THERE you shall have company in your misery!

Me – I like being single, even if I have to hop, skip and jump every now and then. Even that adds variety to my life!

PS: The Author also  blogs at www.jambudweepam.blogspot.in which one of the top humour blog in India.

PPS: To know about other side of coin - that is about marriage : Read here

Ants , Pain and Desires

  (I)

 Ever wondered how a society of ants would function if they break centuries old culture of discipline ??   Why am I  suddenly concerned  is , I spotted such an ant , who I suppose had lost her trail and was  searching it  . Yes , I had a lot  of time to observe an ant in a natural ecological system at Shegaon. I was at Anand Sagar  , which is a 350 Acre Spiritual place and also a water reservoir project built by the Shegaon Trust . Tranquility of Anand Sagar gave me  an opportunity to observe this ant . I was sitting under a tree while waiting for my husband who went to buy some refreshments.

  Now this ant at Shegaon , was holding a big chunk of a food particle and was desperately looking for a trail . The Ant during her quest , never did let go of food particle while it  traced  various path back home . Ironically ,the Ant reminded me of today's society . How we are engaged in finding our own "big" chunk without paying hid to today's society . Sometimes not even society , we miss our own people .  I am so busy for running in competition or for money , i.e, I almost become clueless about  what people would like , who are close to me . This Ant , who was trying to get back home 'appeared' desperate just as we are often to find peace of mind .

Once someone asked me ," how much money you need? " and I realised how poor am at managing finances . I'd never given thought to that question, I mean ofcourse I do have a vision of kind of lifestyle I want to lead in future . However , I've never thought what kind of a cash I need in future. So with current messed up financial condition,the questions started bothering me. Unfortunately I could never quantify the amount I need for "settled" future life . I kept thinking about the question which eventually was answered by the Ant  .

(II)

I met someone , who was rich not by birth but by virtue of her own hardwork .  She didn't even had education to back her up .  What she had been through , I wish no woman is ever subjected to it .  I had heard her story from a  lot of people . When she herself narrated it , my eyes were full of tears . Unfortunately alcoholism and domestic violence is still a way of life in modern India . She told me , all she wants is her kids to be financially stable and hence she was investing at right places ( Real estate and Gold) .

What I saw was a woman who longed for a life where she had a happy family like everyone else... She was like the traveler in desert who seeks water , but  what he follows is "mirage".  Sometimes enduring pain is better idea than running from it.

(III)

In life it often happens that  we long for something. Infact recently I realised I spent so much time on an unfulfilled desire that , it eventually started affecting me. Though consciously I don't desire it anymore , my subconscious mind  stored this information and successfully brought it out when I was most upset .

It disturbed me alot . No, not the "unfulfilled" desire but the thought that how my  mind successfully links two unrelated instances. I wondered about how do I get rid of the situation .  And I am glad I found an answer .

 

Whats in Name !!!

Years ago , I said "Whats in name ?"  to a friend , and he replied "everything's in a name " else we won't have known its Shakespeare who said that .  Now why I suddenly remember this is , my colleagues had formed some kind of project team  and asked me to search /suggest a name for their team ( well my colleagues found me worthy of  that only :P ) . One of them said like Transformer or Gladiator, you know Hollywood movies .  I wanted to say "what do you think of Titanic." well I didn't as they would have taken away this task too :P. I thought for a while , "Does the name of project changes anything about it".

Does name really  matter ? In quest of this question , I realised if not names "surnames" matter . Eg. "Gandhi" , If Sonia and Rahul won't have been "Gandhi" , we  would not have been interested. Infact when I was in school, I spent considerable time thinking about which relative of Mahatma Gandhi , Indira Gandhi married. Only years later , thanks to internet and emails I realised , Indira "Gandhi" had no relation  to M.K. Gandhi. "Thakeray" , if you are the one , you are suppose to say "Mi  marathi" in every second line , and you get a berth of Yuva neta in Party.  Then we have our own bollywood ruled by Kapoors, Khans and Chopras. And yeah I used to think Anil Kapoor and Rishi Kapoor are be related :D .Taking it further , based on surnames we classify people as Hindu , Muslim or Christian. We  divide them in castes , Brahmin , Kshatriya , Rajput etc.
 
You might get an oppurtunity owing to your surname ( read clout of surname)  , it might define what you would do when you grow up, It does not guarantee success. Does anyone remember "Rajendra Kapoor ?" Also none of the Kapoors are yet as legendry as the Raj Kapoor himself . Similarly , having a Gandhi surname doesn't mean one has best at his heart  for country. And therefore there are People who create their own identities like Amitabh Bachchan, Abdul Kalam ,Abraham Lincoln and Swami Vivekanand .

 Not necessarily , if you name someone Amitabh , it would apply he would be a good orator  or naming a kid Sachin will automatically make him a great player . Neither a project would doom , if  named  as "Titanic" (the movie was major blockbuster :)).Nor numerology adding extra Ks , As or any letters to any kind of work and person would change the quality of work content or a person !!!

well I did find good names for the team , few of them were inspired from Harry Potter series :) .

I guess name is what you make of it , good / bad or nothing .

The Story Of Govind

 Govind  was a little kid who generally fooled around in his small village . His father was a Fisherman. Once his father and other men from village went fishing in the sea and suddenly a forecast of storm was issued . Govind immediately set himself into action and took  a  small boat with Red flag on it to sea . The red flag was made from his mother's saree. By then the wind had started blowing .He went deep enough to be spotted by his father's ship . The fishermen saw the Red flag and returned to the land . Everyone  praised Govind for his courage, bravery and presence of mind . At that age ( I was 8-9 yrs old), I didn't think Govind was courageous ( you see , he didn't save a drowning  fisherman like a bollywood hero and yeah I did watch bollywood movies at that age and even today) , he remained an ordinary boy  itched in my memory for long. Since he remained ordinary , I wondered about what could have been course of Govind's life. After the display of his act of "courage, bravery and intelligence" , will he still become a fisherman like his father or his life would be set on diffrent track ? Needless to say , the story of Govind was a fiction and was meant to end there and with time I also understood that Govind was courageous enough for world to know his story .

Recently , in one of my readings it appeared that , in general everyone has a story to tell. Only  few have extraordinaire to be talk of the town..... and these people create History. We often call them legends and they become our ideals to follow .And  to make it among those names is a challenge and a wish too :). Do I have it in me to create an extraordinaire? Am I too late ? Sachin Tendulkar had started his international career as early as 16 but then Abraham Lincoln was 51 when he became  President of US and successfully led the nation during Civil war and bringing the famous 13th amendment (prohibit slavery and involuntary servitude) .

The first question is much more difficult to answer , Do I have it in me? Its up to an individual approach and attitude.   I have known friends who have turned tides to rise among the crowd when they were refused an opportunity which they thought ( even I thought)  were deserved and I equally have known people who failed to convert a challenge into an opportunity (and even these people are talented lots ) . Instead I found them blaming situations , conditions, other people whatever you choose to call an excuse. So where do I stand ,the answer is unfortunately second and yup I blame the world and situations too ,often.Not that I am degrading myself , however I have learnt that its better to remain truthful than to fool oneself :) . and I do have an option to get into category first kind :) .

On a signing off note , I am leaving few websites below which I read often and are in no way inspirational ( they are for fun , laughter and entertainment and not to be taken seriously).

www.fakingnews.com
www.flyyoufools.com
www.gkhamba.com

Vanita

PS: Didn't provide a link for Tendulkar as I assume everyone knows him for his work :):)