On Marriage

Someone told me to write about Marriage. But, I did more – I told the king of humor C. Suresh to write about being single. One cannot talk about pros and cons of marriage unless they also know pros and cons of a single life. He gave me a sassy post called Singled Out which also received a rather warm response on facebook.     

Then, I embarked upon writing introspective post on marriage. To be honest it was difficult because being a professional you tend to look at tangible and intangible benefits of this alliance and  the first question that arose in my mind was,

What did I get after being cajoled into getting married?  Mind you it was my mom who said – “He is a decent lad.”

“That ‘is’ the problem,” I’d responded in a casual tone then.  One ought to know themselves before looking out for partner and those who know me know me and decency live far apart.

What is the issue if he is a decent guy, you ask. Then my dear friend you ought to learn a few more things in life before you seriously consider getting hitched and if there anything that you shouldn’t worry about then it is – getting married.

 The family system in India ensures that you will get married at an “appropriate” time.  The family finds you a match equivalent to your social, financial, and educational status.  There are many uncles and aunts who will also help your parents to find one.  The technology is also not behind, these days they offer community based matrimonial services.   Did I forget to mention horoscope – If at all your family believes in it be ready to wear rings of different stones, fasts on particular days etc. But in the end you should not worry. You will be married before you blink an eyelid.  If you fall in love, well, that is another matter entirely. It also demands an altogether separate post.

 So, I considered my options before saying, 'Yes' to the decent lad whom I’d technically dated for six months or so.  But Mom made it easier, she said –

“You get married to this decent fellow or I will kick you out,” the threat did the trick. Also staying alone – monetarily didn’t seem feasible. You see, if I can stay with someone who can pay rent or even share it is better, plus I prefer to live in people’s company.

Yes, I could have found bachelors to stay with and move out of my safety net. The idea never enticed me. Considering the kind of person I am – I would have always wanted to get married.

After my consent, it didn’t take long for my home to become a set, straight out of a Suraj Barjatya movie.  Lunch and dinner invites to and by various relatives.  Shopping, shopping and more shopping.  I am rather surprised that I didn't choke  to death with all the food that was stuffed in my mouth  or that I didn’t get heart attack after seeing the credit card bill.

I still have that facebook status in ‘memories’ which says – Credit card bill arrived in mail and I didn’t die.

Alas! My mom got rid of me successfully. Otherwise I could never explain her resolve to get me married and specifically to this guy. From the day I got married this decent guy my life has gone for a toss. He would say-

“Let’s go east.”

I would reply,

“I like west.”

By the time we are done arguing about east and west and I finally give in to go east he would have  already tread down South.

We never had any consensus on even matters as remote to our marriage as who should be the Prime Minister of India or whether Dhoni should resign from captaincy. So just imagine the amount of disagreement upon which house to buy or which car model to buy. It was outrageous for someone like me who lived life at my own terms before marriage.

If there is anything we like to do together then it is to stay at home on a holiday. Again while he has a to-do list with him, I might just watch TV or sleep through the day.

In past four years I have not been able to track test matches, new movie releases or travel for leisure. Life is constantly about bills, EMI, social engagements and changing priorities.  

Talk about getting married to a ‘decent’ guy.

But, it has its moments. Like, when on a busy day a fruit magically comes out of the bag and I recall that I didn't even have the time to pack it.  He always calls up to check if I reached office, regardless of the numerous arguments we had in the morning.  Doesn’t blink an eye when I say I am meeting an old friend who is a guy. If you want to say this isn’t anything great then my friend I reiterate you ought to learn more about life and ways of world.

Yes, with marriage life does become limited.  I can’t just get up and go off on a wild safari and sometimes I have a difficult time accepting that kind of a limitation. But these are trade offs I’ve made to be with someone who accepts that I will seldom put up a Bindi or wear a Bangle. Or that I don’t  believe in Idol worship. Or that to some extent I am still a tomboy.  Above all it’s nice to wait for him to have dinner together even if he is a vegetarian and I might like to have chicken or fish every alternate day.

At the end of the day the alliance doesn’t work single handedly.  Swords are drawn at minor topics like if our country is losing is its secular fabric but only after calling truce can one find peace and resolve to tackle such topics.

Marriage is a gamble – play at your own risk.

Guest Post - Singled out

C.Suresh

About the Author:

Fiction has been an addiction but the need to make a living took Suresh through Chemical Engineering and a PGDM at IIM-Bangalore and, from thence, to a long 16 year stint in the area of finance with specific expertise in fertilizer subsidies at IFFCO and a further two years as consulting expert in the same area. That, in his words, about sums up the boring part of his life, except for the people he was privileged to meet

Otherwise, he can be described as a mess of contradictions – a bookworm but avid trekker; alone but never lonely; enjoys solitude but loves company; lazy but a perfectionist, the litany is endless.

He has  also written a satire - A dog eat dogfood world - A hilarious pseudo-history of marketing management, which explicitly denies resemblance to any actual history, and which will be horrified if some semblance be found.

Note: Blogger requested him to write his experience on leading a bachelor life. Here his take on the same. 

Singled out

"Marriage – A process of finding out what sort of person your spouse would have preferred to marry”

It is not merely because I disliked learning that I stayed single. True, I am allergic to learning, especially about myself, since most of what I learn about myself is SO uncomplimentary. Still, it was not that at all.

To cut the long story short, it was my aversion to WORK that decided me on remaining single. Narayana Murthy’s son can choose to marry, even if he decided to be idle all his life. Me – I started off with zilch in inheritances and, thus, all that I spend had to be earned myself. Even in these gender-equal days, there is not much welcome for a husband who plans to live off your earnings. THAT part of gender inequality still remains, unfortunately. (Fortunately, actually. In my times, it certainly existed and I’d hardly be happy seeing a young kid of today happily living the life that I would have preferred to live.)

Deciding is all fine but to stick to it in the face of pressure from everyone who feels they have the right (which, effectively, means everyone who can match your face to your name – or, at least, find someone who can do it for them), that’s the difficulty. As I have indicated elsewhere in my personal rants, I had a neat little formula for it – especially since most of them would start with “What sort of a girl would you like to marry? We will find her for you” in a typical display of how optimism can overwhelm common-sense (and even eye-sight? Yeah – that, too). For that query I had a ready-made reply. “I want a beautiful, intelligent, talented, well-educated and rich girl. If she is all this and will marry me then she cannot be intelligent. Then how can I marry her?” With that one neat piece of logic I fended off all attempts to find me a spouse. There is certainly one girl in the world who has reason to be very grateful to me for saving her that fate worse than death – being married to me!

There are a lot of people who claim to envy me. The point, though, is that they never have walked in my shoes. Ever had a foot sprained and hopped all around the house to get a glass of water, make a cup of tea or even visit the loo? Had a right hand broken and find yourself having to do everything with the left hand all day – day after day? No? Well – I have had very helpful cousins, who made things easy for me, but still…they could not exactly stay around me all day, could they? AND I am too shrinking a violet to plonk myself in someone else’s house till they start supplying me with flight schedules and train timetables for reading material.

Forget the big issues. You start off life thinking how you can be single and continue to enjoy life the way you did in your youth. Then, one by one your friends get married. You call on them to go to a movie, they need to attend the PTA at their child’s school. You want to make whoopee one night, they are off to their in-laws’ place for a wedding. You plan a trip to the hill station and they are already there with their family. You, regretfully, decide to find friends among the younger lot and they call you ‘uncle’ and run off with their gang.

The point is that, if you think being single is going to keep you happy in the same way as it has always been, then you are in for a rude awakening. AND, if you are the sort to think in melodramatic terms like ‘always an outsider, shivering in the cold, looking in on warm and happy families without a hope of being a part of one’ and all that, you will start feeling lonely in additional to being alone.

It is not everyone who can be happy being single. Being married has its pros and cons, so does being single. Life is fun in any state as long as you can shrug away the cons and concentrate on the pros. Unfortunately, though, humanity seems geared to concentrate on the cons and disdain the pros. If that is how you are geared, it is best you get married. THERE you shall have company in your misery!

Me – I like being single, even if I have to hop, skip and jump every now and then. Even that adds variety to my life!

PS: The Author also  blogs at www.jambudweepam.blogspot.in which one of the top humour blog in India.

PPS: To know about other side of coin - that is about marriage : Read here

Living With Merlin- Review

Blurb: The book is titled Living with Merlin wherien Merlin is actually the name of a dog but this story is not about the dog. Bringing in Merlin is used to give it a timeline and to give it a theme. The book is about moving from despair and grief to feeling that life is worthwhile, meant to be lived to the fullest and yes happy too.

This book deals with an experience which many people face at some point in their lives, the loss of a dear one and  the emotional devastation that follows. Sometimes  reading  about others  experiences helps to cope and go on. This is book is about coping with loss. 

About the Author: The author is practising doctor, a pediatric Intensivist in a busy hospital in busy hospital in New Delhi, India.

Review:

The author has written all her bare emotions with utmost honesty after losing her husband to Cancer. The  sudden death leaves the Auhtor devastated and at times the deluge of memories are painful and at times her only savior.  Her struggle to live life normally and yet how situations could pull you down. The pet - Merlin is not a central theme but more of a timeline where Author begins to do than to think. Nowhere the author shows herself as a damsel in distress or a preacher who now understands life more than anyone else and this is where lies the strength of the book. 

The other best thing about the book is setting. The author knows her environment very well. She brings to you shades of Delhi - you can fall in love with. From a Dancing Peacocks to a Five Star hotel or an ICU in Delhi. She captures these settings well.

The publisher has not paid any attention to the editing. A little editing could have gone long way with the book. I can't say author has brought closure to all the open points in the book. It leaves you to want to know more about the conclusions.

The book can find an immediate connect with Indian working women who hardly get time to pursue their passion and instead are caught in balancing work and home life. 

The book is wound well and it occupies a little space in bag. Easier to handle while traveling. 

You can buy book here.

Serendipitous Love - Ep06

Ep05 here

  Lal called Krutika. 

“ Hello, Ijj it Kruttika”

“Speaking,” Krutika had a husky tone, a voice which melted Lal on several levels.

“ Alfred Fernandes recommended you. We have a suitable Praaject faar you”

Krutika could hardly believe her luck; Goddess laxmi had indeed endowed blessings to her in difficult financial time. She spoke excitedly,

“Yes, Sir! Tell me.”

“ Naat over phone , Lest meet at caafe Kaatanlanta tomorrow at 4 pm.”

“Yes Sir,” Krutika spoke with a humble voice.

Next day Lal had dodged his urge to put paan in his mouth. He had brushed for almost an hour , gargled gazillions of mouth freshener , dyed his hair and oiled it too. He donned his favorite ashen safari, a typical Indian attire which consists of shirt & trouser made from cotton. The colour of both shirt and trouser being same. The shirt posses three or more pockets.

 As he begun to move out, out of habit he turned to look at his late wife’s picture frame which hung on one of the walls and felt a pang of guilt. But, Krutika’s husky voice set him free; after all he spent last night fantasising Krutika in bed. 

Once Lal settled in an auto he went over Krutika’s portfolio again. The photos were taken in a full Anarkali dress,sari and a tight jeans. The expression were childish but her features were excellent. She was an unpolished diamond. How he loved it, he hoped to feel her skin today. The thought tickled Lal from within.